6 Reasons To Cherish Your Marriage

Marriage – what does it actually represent?

Does it represent a bond that is only there for a season? Or does it represent a bond that is there for a reason and a lifetime?

I have taken my rings off on numerous occasions, adamantly sure that “this time, it’s for good”. I would think and re-think the reasons behind my (then) reasonable justifications and I would lose hours of sleep to then conclude that I completely over-reacted and despite all else, I love my husband.

It all comes down to reasons as far as I’m concerned and I mean, genuine reasons why I decided on marrying my husband in the first place. It wasn’t like it was a drunken night in Vegas – it was planned and executed without any alcohol consumption whatsoever.

So, take me for example – I’ve been twice. The first time round I had a lucky escape and honestly thought I had went off the idea of marriage altogether (my ex was from a Church background and is now a Minister himself today). The point is, I am married now and that could only have happened for good reasons, therefore reasons are pretty significant in my marriage to my husband.

So now, we’ve established that there are reasons behind certain marriages (some bad, some good, some out-with our control), but let’s assume you married for the right reasons… if it was right to take that step in the first place it is important to truly consider the following things before divorce:

  1. Why did you get this far in the first place? – the lead up to a marriage is a lengthy process. Even before you meet the guy and decide he is “the one”, you first have to prepare yourself to be open and accepting of love before you can even allow him close enough to be considered husband material. You then have to date him, build mutual trust and respect and finally, grow to love him above all others. It can seem like a whirlwind at the time but think about it truly;

    how long did it take you to ready yourself for one of the biggest life commitments an adult can ever make, in the first place? 

    Once you consider the amount of effort it has taken you to get yourself to this point in your life, ask yourself is it really something you can throw away when things get a little bit tough.

  2. What are the attributes that make you love him? – Once you are content with the idea of settling down with someone (one day), you meet the guy of your dreams and he is that guy for a reason. You fell in love with him because there was something in him you couldn’t see yourself without.

    What separates him from the rest of the guys – what made him “The One”?

  3. Are you right all the time? some people believe winning means never admitting your wrong and winning is more important than losing. But aren’t you losing if your need to be right is damaging your marriage? Sometimes being “wrong” means you are being unreasonable, not compromising, not listening correctly or simply misunderstanding.

    Have you always been right at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING? Were you the top student in every subject at school? No? Well, how do you automatically assume you are right, right now?

  4. Do you want to be alone? I remember the feeling I had when my first long-term relationship ended- I cried for months and I almost failed my HND (love is so dramatic!).

    If you think you would rather go out and party all night long, by all means, do it! But trust me, when you come home with a bit of drink in you to an empty house (more specifically, an empty bed), it will hit you harder.

    Everyone needs space – if you want alone time, then work at a compromise with your hubby. Arrange a holiday with the girls once in a while and allow him to go away with the lads… you can still enjoy alone time and come home to a not-so-lonely bed!

    Does being alone seem like a better alternative than being with your husband?

  5. Do you think the grass is greener? We often assume that what we don’t have seems better than what we do have.

    With access to social media and glimpses into everyone’s lives, it is easily mistaken that others are happier than you. They take more photo’s, they have more friends, they go on holidays (bla, bla, bla).

    Social media is the devil as far as I’m concerned and although I have it, I don’t allow it to consume my life and my dreams. If you are feeling like this, chances are everyone else is or has at some point too!

    Don’t only think about what could be good without your husband but also think about what could be bad. What would you miss if he was no longer in your life?

  6. Will you be stronger without him? – Marriage is the hardest journey you can take because it tests you all the time.

    You don’t have a choice with your kids – they are your dependents and only death will stop that. So having children may make us strong, but it can never test us as much as a marriage can.

    Marriage is constantly a choice – we have to nurture it and look after it. It allows us to use our skills and it makes us more resilient people for it. You can be strong just as you are, but you can be stronger when there’s two of you, on the same page, wanting the other to be happy and doing everything to make that so.

    Marriage can make you strong or it can make you weak… the great thing is, you are completely in control of what you want it to be to you, at any given time.

    Someone once told me that “every lady has the exact love life she wants”.  



What Marriage With Kids’ Means To Me…

I wonder, were you like me? Did you fantasise about Mr. Prince Charming with flowing locks, a dazzling smile and skin the colour of mocha? Did you expect marriage to be an array of laughter, happiness and the occasional love song?

By no means am I an expert in marriage having only gotten hitched in April this year, but so far, my expectations of what it would mean to be a married woman, has truly taken me by surprise…

First of all, forget about romance!


Being married with kids means absolutely everything is a planned event, even sex!


Prepare Yourself For Compromise – if you’re naturally quite a stubborn person you should perhaps think twice about getting into a marriage. I mean, unjustly compromise consumes the majority of my life – I am forever making exceptions for my husband, laying down excuse after excuse as to why he may be acting a certain way, doing (or worse, not doing) a certain thing. It’s exhausting! Do I want to compromise? No – at least not all of the time but I’ve came to learn the hard way that stubborn men are far more selfish than stubborn women.


Being married means always having to be the bigger person. Sometimes it hurts, oh man it really can kill us inside! But, we can find solace in knowing for ourselves that we are right, and they don’t need to tell us that to know it’s true.


Have A Lot Of Patience – if I were to look at myself from a 15 year old me, point of view I would never have believed it. I surprise myself every day when it comes to patience and there are times I lose it and particularly at certain times of the month (that’s for sure!). The small things which we all know are technically “small” things but at the time, really escalate into big things because they are happening every, single day. Yes, I know it’s not a big deal to forget to put the bog roll back on the holder, but it becomes a big deal when you’re doing it 4-7 times a day! I probably waste around 8-10 minutes of my life each day trying to find the bog roll – and they say live life to the full…


Being married means being tested on a daily basis – sometimes you will make yourself proud but other times your husband’s life expectancy will take a detrimental dip.


Succumb To Being Tolerant – My husband is a very angry human being with a short fuse for people who don’t know how to read minds, who ask the right questions at the wrong times and who question him in a way that threatens his inner Braveheart. When any of the above happens (and that can be pretty regularly), my tolerance kicks in big time. To put it nicely, he is a prat and doesn’t think twice of vocalising his frustration in front of people in rather rude and embarrassing ways…. majority of this consisting of his need to tell me to “shut up”. It rarely ever ends well however, the fact I am still wearing the ring suggests my overall tolerance for bad behaviour is pretty, damn good.


Being married means having to put up with their bad attitude and trust me, they will have a bad attitude at least 95% of the time!


Make Peace With Repetition – lots and lots and lots….and lots of it! Marriage is really just another word for repetition and not because you have to wake up to the same face every day (that part can be pretty nice), but in every other way you could possibly think!
The biggy for me is household chores – I hate them, probably more than I hate my boobs (and that’s a lot!). Repetition is a nasty atmosphere destroyer, it makes you resentful and frustrated to think that no amount of dedication to cleaning a house for example, will ever make it truly clean. With an additional person in the house (and I’ll be sexist here and add in “man” though I know of the occasional exception – my dad the “clean freak”), you can never have complete control on where things go and more often than not, things wind up in ridiculous places.


Being married means you will spend the rest of your life cleaning up after someone else’s mess… and don’t even talk to me about kids!


Allow Yourself To Be Confused – they say that women are hard to read but I personally find us hard to shut up. Think about it, we like to express – it’s in our DNA. We’re never happy if we aren’t getting to talk about our feelings. Men on the other hand, are natural suppressors. It comes to a point you just have to accept you will never know what is going on in their head and there is absolutely no point trying to find out. Men rarely ever know how they feel and 99.9%, their actions are based on impulse.


Being married means never truly understanding what goes on in your husband’s head and never knowing what he actually wants from you.



Calling “Mr Vain”!

There are numerous situations that are influenced by vanity and each and every one of us, make them every, single day – what brand of clothes we wear; whether we, girls wear make-up; the car we drive; physical fitness… all, that to some degree are pretty acceptable in our modernised, materialistic world.

But, I want you to think back to a situation where vanity influenced your dating choices – when somehow, someone failed to meet your high expectations (and I say “high” because expectations are usually the catalyst to all of life’s let downs and we should really learn to stop expecting anything).

I want you to write down the event you have in mind and include your first impression, the reason why you didn’t and how you felt after it.

So, this person you knocked back, what was really wrong with them?

Did they have bad breath? Did they have a slight squint? Did they walk funny? Did they wear supermarket brands? Did they work as a shelf stacker?


Isn’t it tiring even saying all these different excuses out loud!? 


Whatever the reason behind it was, I want you to now accept that the person you knocked back had nothing wrong with them. Yes that’s right – nothing that you couldn’t live with anyway. They simply fell short of your high expectations and pathetic excuses.

I knew this girl who got talking to a guy on one of those online-dating fads, they hit it off right away and spoke for hours upon hours at a time. Weeks went by and finally, they decided they wanted to hook up somewhere central (and safe) – they had seen photo’s of one another and all looked well. Upon meeting, assumptions definitely made an ass out of them both – he was a small guy (probably around 5ft 3 next to her 5ft 6 with 4 inch heels!). Instantly, she knew it was a “no-go” – the date continued as normal as one would expect until the guy returned from a brief toilet break during which the girl had text her girlfriend asking for an “emergency call” cos’ the guy “was tiny!”… unknown to the girl, she sent it to her last contact which was not her intended receiver, rather, the guy himself.

Ok, so the girl was me… and let me tell you, I was mortified! No, I was more than mortified, I felt ashamed and instantly guilty. There are no words really, the vanity monster is in us all.

For those wanting to know what happened to the guy – he took it like a boss, that much so, he STILL tried to get me to go back to his (God loves a chancer and the guy must love a challenge). I gave him a kiss on the cheek and changed my number the next day.

My online dating experience was just that – experience. It taught me a life lesson and it highlighted to me that everyone has flaws:


Mr Right, may not be Mr. The Right Height! 


But, it’s all about being honest with ourselves and having realistic ideas of what kind of men/women we are looking for. Vanity can hold us back and really good people can pass us by because of it.


We are all looking for someone we can grow old and undignified with so choosing easy-on-the-eyes, Krystal, isn’t going to stick around that long! Go figure.


Question time for those of you who have a husband/wife…

  1. If you take the reason you have noted in the task above and apply it to the person you are with as though this is your first date with them, would you knock him/her back?
  2. If you take the same reason again and apply it to the person you are with, being in love with them now, would you want a divorce?

Note down your answers and think about it for a minute.

In hindsight, perhaps it could be helpful to remember that being shallow in the first instance could deprive you from something worth fighting for.

There have been countless times a person has rejected someone only to regret it years later. It makes sense, unless there is an attribute that you seriously cannot look past, try to not be judgemental and dig deeper into who the person is, rather than what they look like and how much money they apparently have.


Obviously, we all need to be physically attracted to our potential partners but don’t mistake that with unrealistic expectations. There’s no such thing as the “whole package” – compromise is a must.


Take me for example, my husband is a skin head – normally I would have said I would have to date a man with hair… but with him, I fell in love pretty fast!

“Beauty is only skin deep, look for a person who can make you laugh when you feel like crying and love you the times you cannot love yourself”  – Stephanie


Believe In Fresh Starts

I took a sex and relationship course a few years back by one of UK’s leading “sexperts”, Kate Taylor. Throughout this course I learnt a lot about myself as a person, myself as a person to date and myself as a person to love.

One of the things I always remember reading was “believe in fresh starts” because it was a principle I eventually realised to be so crucial in attracting the right attention throughout my journey in dating.

I’ve spoken to a lot of people lately who have got in touch to talk about how they often look back on past relationships asking themselves the following questions; what if things had been different?, what if I had stayed with that person? etc. All of which are preventing them from really living in the present moment!

The bottom line is, you are not in that relationship today for one main reason amongst many different reasons:

It was simply not meant to be

Whether it was because together you both became different people, whether one of you were unfaithful, whether there was little trust and honesty or whether you both just drifted apart – whatever the case may be, relationships end because they just. aren’t. working.

Though it is always good to learn from past experiences (and I say experiences rather than mistakes because nothing in life should be considered a “mistake”), it is unhealthy to allow your opinions of people today, to be influenced by a certain person from your past.

Just because you dated a psycho before, doesn’t mean you are a bad judge of character – most psychopaths are extremely clever in how they portray themselves. 

Kate Taylor said, “bad relationships of the past don’t curse you for the future” and that’s something you must always remember when dating, optimism is key to finding the right person. 

If we allow ourselves to always look back, if we truly allow ourselves to believe that going back to something we think we can predict (an ex for example) is a far better alternative to finding something new and unfamiliar – we destroy all chances of finding the person that is right for us.

The person who is right for us, is the one who is consistent in our lives.  The one we don’t need a long-term break from. The one who makes it so easy, rather than so hard.

And, that person DOES exist – one day, when you’re ready, when you least expect it.


The Honesty Policy

Knowing the truth has to be better than being lied to day in, day out no matter the consequences, right?

We may not appreciate the truth initially and there are some cases where we even choose not to believe the truth simply because it doesn’t fall under our expectations.

People are naturally programmed to believe in their own version of the truth, rather than the truth itself. So why do we constantly hear people say, “honesty is the best policy?”

So, what if a certain truth can’t be resolved overnight? Forget about looking horrendous with that new hair colour or choice of shirt for that all important “meet the parents” evening… these are minor things in the grand scale of things.
Think of an acutal physical attribute like, “does my bum look big in this?” or, the way he says distorts his face at times, that literally makes you cringe…

Would you be honest and tell them what you think and feel or would you lie to avoid them getting upset?

It comes down to having good judgment and knowing the person you’re with. If you know he/she is sensitive, then perhaps telling a “wee white lie” isn’t going to impact your relationship too harshly otherwise, you can word truth to make it sound less brutal.

What about something even bigger, like an affair.

If you can’t be honest to an important person in your life then that person isn’t important at all. If they were, you wouldn’t even need to think about it because having respect for someone is having the decency to let them know where they stand.

You can come up with a million excuses as to why you have still not told them…but the bottom line is, you never would have entered into an affair had you just cut the crap at the beginning and done the right thing.

Lies are unhealthy, exhausting and always lead to more lies,

Goodbye Mr. Right
Hello, Mr. Do The Right Thing!




Tell, Tale, Cheat!

I cannot count the amount of articles I have read that claim to have the cheating signs down to perfection…. “The 5 tell tale signs that your man is thinking of cheating“…


Ehh what?!

Let’s be totally honest about things – who hasn’t thought of what it would be like if you were to go out with someone else after a big fight?

Who can honestly say, they have never been attracted to more than one person at some point in their lives? I fancy my husband and Chris Hempsworth… I even think I’m falling for the latest Wonder woman!

Yet, I would still say I am a happily married women happy to admit that I still find the occasional man that walks past, attractive and I know for a fact my husband, has the daily habit of eyeing up every girl he drives past and subconsciously makes a comment in his head of whether she’s “dot cotton” (rotten) or not – it’s life!

The question is, does this mean we are all guilty of thinking about physically cheating on our partner?

No, of course it doesn’t! For most of us anyway.


A cheater is someone who secretly and actively has more than one person in their lives at the same time, in an intimate capacity.


And look, I get it! I’ve been the paranoid freak (because that’s what you are) before – constantly asking my partner if things were good, looking through his phone, bringing up every minor detail.

It isn’t healthy, it’s exhausting and if anything, it builds resentment between the pair of you and actually encourages a lot of affairs to happen, that before then, did not and probably would never have existed.

The reality is, people will always think about the “what if’s” in their heads – they will, at times, fantasise about other people and deny it when asked but that doesn’t mean they don’t love and want to be with you…

I live my life with this principle in mind:


When the thought of my husband is no longer as desirable as someone else I’ve met, I know it’s time to move on.


The best we can hope to do, is commit our lives to making each other happy and allow ourselves to be loved without doubt for as long as we are destined to.

REAL STORY: “I recently had an affair. I hadn’t been feeling into my marriage and things just happened. As it came to an end, I suddenly developed a deeper appreciation for my wife and things have never been better. I don’t know how, but it has saved my marriage. I don’t feel I need to tell her what’s changed because I don’t want to lose her, but maybe having affairs isn’t all that bad?”


This gentleman went behind his wife’s back and had a taste of what another woman felt like. He wanted the best of both worlds and as a result, felt much more satisfied in the end. As a result, he feels energised and ready to take on his marriage (i.e. “save it”) which is fine IF his wife was allowed her right to agree or disagree.

Some relationships work based on having “hall passes” but in this situation, honesty to the wife should be his number one priority.

Communication is key – I have never been with a person I didn’t first and foremost, respect. I have always been an open book in my relationship so that my husband always knows where he stands.


The Rules of Meaningless Fun

So we are all familiar with what “meaningless fun” is meant to be, but does it actually exist?

I think it’s less naïve to say that in most MF situations, someone will always get hurt.

I break the unwritten law of silence and admit that I have played a part in my own “meaningless fun” scandal – I’m not proud of it but it was what it was and I’ve learnt from it.

Whether it’s a one-night stand, a series of sexual encounters with your boss or married man or secret meetings with your ex, the majority of us will find ourselves in a less than dignified sexual scandal at one stage (probably more) in our lives.

Though it may be a rollercoaster of passion and delight at the time, it comes down to dignity, self-love and self-respect. Do you have that for yourself?

The first step forward is taking a step in the right direction – that is, opposite wherever the other person is or is going to be! Realise that you are doing something that will or already is, hurting someone and simply walk away.

As tempting as it may be (and trust me, I do know just how tempting it is), there are times in life we are far better off wondering “what if?”.

I have been the victim of, what I call, a “sEXuation” – the term I use to define being reduced to a booty call by the man I once loved and who clearly never loved me.

I went along with it because:

  1. he suddenly had an interest in me again and suddenly there was hope
  2. he was acting the way he did when we first met and things felt special again
  3. I convinced myself that sex meant more than, well, just sex

but as you can probably guess, there was no happy ending and it wasn’t long before I lost control and crashed into a million pieces, breaking bits of me that I had only just started to mend.

I felt cheap, used and tacky but I suppose the good thing was I no longer had any respect for the man I had loved for two years, the man I was set to marry, the man I thought would never use me (and to think he is a minister!)

Bottom Line: Meaningless fun is bad for you – it strips you of your self-worth and dignity. If you want to have fun, hold off for the guy who wants to show you off to the whole wide world. Hold off for the man who doesn’t want to share you or share himself. 


Do you want to be treated with respect?


Well what you waiting for, start respecting yourself!


It’s that simple, once you begin respecting yourself as a person worth loving and cherishing, people around you will do the same.

PS. Know that the guy/gal who is using you for some “hotline bling” is not respecting you.

Sex is just sex sometimes – learn to distinguish what’s worth your intimacy and what’s not and save all the unnecessary heartache.

Rules of Thumb:

  1. If they aren’t bringing you to family functions and introducing you to the people in their world, you will never exist in their world, full stop
  2. Ex or not – the relationship ended for a reason and unless he/she is begging you every day for a second chance to make things right, there are no intentions of ever making you more than just S-EX.
  3. As soon as you know you are with the wrong person, finish it. Cut the crap and be honest. If you want something meaningless use your hands or, have a random (and protected) one-night stand.
  4. If you are the mistress of a toxic relationship, you are entering something that has already began toxic. Don’t you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you only? There’s no need for lies and deceit unless, he’s just not into you.