Marriage – what does it actually represent?
Does it represent a bond that is only there for a season? Or does it represent a bond that is there for a reason and a lifetime?
I have taken my rings off on numerous occasions, adamantly sure that “this time, it’s for good”. I would think and re-think the reasons behind my (then) reasonable justifications and I would lose hours of sleep to then conclude that I completely over-reacted and despite all else, I love my husband.
It all comes down to reasons as far as I’m concerned and I mean, genuine reasons why I decided on marrying my husband in the first place. It wasn’t like it was a drunken night in Vegas – it was planned and executed without any alcohol consumption whatsoever.
So, take me for example – I’ve been twice. The first time round I had a lucky escape and honestly thought I had went off the idea of marriage altogether (my ex was from a Church background and is now a Minister himself today). The point is, I am married now and that could only have happened for good reasons, therefore reasons are pretty significant in my marriage to my husband.
So now, we’ve established that there are reasons behind certain marriages (some bad, some good, some out-with our control), but let’s assume you married for the right reasons… if it was right to take that step in the first place it is important to truly consider the following things before divorce:
- Why did you get this far in the first place? – the lead up to a marriage is a lengthy process. Even before you meet the guy and decide he is “the one”, you first have to prepare yourself to be open and accepting of love before you can even allow him close enough to be considered husband material. You then have to date him, build mutual trust and respect and finally, grow to love him above all others. It can seem like a whirlwind at the time but think about it truly;
how long did it take you to ready yourself for one of the biggest life commitments an adult can ever make, in the first place?
Once you consider the amount of effort it has taken you to get yourself to this point in your life, ask yourself is it really something you can throw away when things get a little bit tough.
- What are the attributes that make you love him? – Once you are content with the idea of settling down with someone (one day), you meet the guy of your dreams and he is that guy for a reason. You fell in love with him because there was something in him you couldn’t see yourself without.
What separates him from the rest of the guys – what made him “The One”?
- Are you right all the time? – some people believe winning means never admitting your wrong and winning is more important than losing. But aren’t you losing if your need to be right is damaging your marriage? Sometimes being “wrong” means you are being unreasonable, not compromising, not listening correctly or simply misunderstanding.
Have you always been right at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING? Were you the top student in every subject at school? No? Well, how do you automatically assume you are right, right now?
- Do you want to be alone? – I remember the feeling I had when my first long-term relationship ended- I cried for months and I almost failed my HND (love is so dramatic!).
If you think you would rather go out and party all night long, by all means, do it! But trust me, when you come home with a bit of drink in you to an empty house (more specifically, an empty bed), it will hit you harder.
Everyone needs space – if you want alone time, then work at a compromise with your hubby. Arrange a holiday with the girls once in a while and allow him to go away with the lads… you can still enjoy alone time and come home to a not-so-lonely bed!
Does being alone seem like a better alternative than being with your husband?
- Do you think the grass is greener? – We often assume that what we don’t have seems better than what we do have.
With access to social media and glimpses into everyone’s lives, it is easily mistaken that others are happier than you. They take more photo’s, they have more friends, they go on holidays (bla, bla, bla).
Social media is the devil as far as I’m concerned and although I have it, I don’t allow it to consume my life and my dreams. If you are feeling like this, chances are everyone else is or has at some point too!
Don’t only think about what could be good without your husband but also think about what could be bad. What would you miss if he was no longer in your life?
- Will you be stronger without him? – Marriage is the hardest journey you can take because it tests you all the time.
You don’t have a choice with your kids – they are your dependents and only death will stop that. So having children may make us strong, but it can never test us as much as a marriage can.
Marriage is constantly a choice – we have to nurture it and look after it. It allows us to use our skills and it makes us more resilient people for it. You can be strong just as you are, but you can be stronger when there’s two of you, on the same page, wanting the other to be happy and doing everything to make that so.
Marriage can make you strong or it can make you weak… the great thing is, you are completely in control of what you want it to be to you, at any given time.
Someone once told me that “every lady has the exact love life she wants”.