6 Reasons To Divorce

It should never be a decision you take lightly – marriage used to be such a protected and precious thing. It was the ultimate sacrifice any individual could make. It symbolised trust, honour, respect and most importantly, love for someone else.

There were far fewer divorce rates before our time – problems were resolved through hard work, persistence, compromise and the ability to listen

Listening with the intention of listening, not listening with the intention of replying!

Nowadays, marriage seems to be a fashionable decision – an excuse to hold a shindig, show how much money you have to spare and I suppose, tick the boxes when it comes to being with someone. Suddenly, the values aren’t as honourable for many people anymore and divorce is just paperwork like any other when things get too difficult. Society sees marriage now as a seasonal thing – it doesn’t have to be for a lifetime anymore.

Most of the time, I believe, a situation can be resolved and difficulties in marriage are merely down to miscommunication and a temporary forgetfulness to think about someone other than yourself.

But there are 5 reasons where divorcing may be the best step forward:

  1. When you are constantly (daily) having to think of a reason why you love your spouse

  2. When you are arguing every day over the same thing with no sign of compromise

  3. When intimacy becomes a conscious effort (and not because you lead a busy lifestyle)

  4. When compromise is situational only and not consistent (agreed terms change constantly to suit the individual requirements of one person depending on his/her current mood and desire at any given moment)

  5. When lying becomes a second nature to avoid a confrontation and being honest isn’t worth a conversation out of fear of not getting your own way

  6. When living together has a negative impact on everyone’s standard of living (more importantly children)

Divorce for me is a very serious subject and one I would never consider unless I really believed it was the best thing.

If I felt my children were suffering because of a toxic relationship, if I felt like there was absolutely no resolution whatsoever, then I would consider divorce. If the reasons above were a resounding breakdown of my marriage, I would seriously consider the possibility that divorce may be the best thing to do. But only if I was sure that the reasons above dominated my days over and above the good ones.

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6 Reasons To Cherish Your Marriage

Marriage – what does it actually represent?

Does it represent a bond that is only there for a season? Or does it represent a bond that is there for a reason and a lifetime?

I have taken my rings off on numerous occasions, adamantly sure that “this time, it’s for good”. I would think and re-think the reasons behind my (then) reasonable justifications and I would lose hours of sleep to then conclude that I completely over-reacted and despite all else, I love my husband.

It all comes down to reasons as far as I’m concerned and I mean, genuine reasons why I decided on marrying my husband in the first place. It wasn’t like it was a drunken night in Vegas – it was planned and executed without any alcohol consumption whatsoever.

So, take me for example – I’ve been twice. The first time round I had a lucky escape and honestly thought I had went off the idea of marriage altogether (my ex was from a Church background and is now a Minister himself today). The point is, I am married now and that could only have happened for good reasons, therefore reasons are pretty significant in my marriage to my husband.

So now, we’ve established that there are reasons behind certain marriages (some bad, some good, some out-with our control), but let’s assume you married for the right reasons… if it was right to take that step in the first place it is important to truly consider the following things before divorce:

  1. Why did you get this far in the first place? – the lead up to a marriage is a lengthy process. Even before you meet the guy and decide he is “the one”, you first have to prepare yourself to be open and accepting of love before you can even allow him close enough to be considered husband material. You then have to date him, build mutual trust and respect and finally, grow to love him above all others. It can seem like a whirlwind at the time but think about it truly;

    how long did it take you to ready yourself for one of the biggest life commitments an adult can ever make, in the first place? 

    Once you consider the amount of effort it has taken you to get yourself to this point in your life, ask yourself is it really something you can throw away when things get a little bit tough.

  2. What are the attributes that make you love him? – Once you are content with the idea of settling down with someone (one day), you meet the guy of your dreams and he is that guy for a reason. You fell in love with him because there was something in him you couldn’t see yourself without.

    What separates him from the rest of the guys – what made him “The One”?

  3. Are you right all the time? some people believe winning means never admitting your wrong and winning is more important than losing. But aren’t you losing if your need to be right is damaging your marriage? Sometimes being “wrong” means you are being unreasonable, not compromising, not listening correctly or simply misunderstanding.

    Have you always been right at everything, and I mean EVERYTHING? Were you the top student in every subject at school? No? Well, how do you automatically assume you are right, right now?

  4. Do you want to be alone? I remember the feeling I had when my first long-term relationship ended- I cried for months and I almost failed my HND (love is so dramatic!).

    If you think you would rather go out and party all night long, by all means, do it! But trust me, when you come home with a bit of drink in you to an empty house (more specifically, an empty bed), it will hit you harder.

    Everyone needs space – if you want alone time, then work at a compromise with your hubby. Arrange a holiday with the girls once in a while and allow him to go away with the lads… you can still enjoy alone time and come home to a not-so-lonely bed!

    Does being alone seem like a better alternative than being with your husband?

  5. Do you think the grass is greener? We often assume that what we don’t have seems better than what we do have.

    With access to social media and glimpses into everyone’s lives, it is easily mistaken that others are happier than you. They take more photo’s, they have more friends, they go on holidays (bla, bla, bla).

    Social media is the devil as far as I’m concerned and although I have it, I don’t allow it to consume my life and my dreams. If you are feeling like this, chances are everyone else is or has at some point too!

    Don’t only think about what could be good without your husband but also think about what could be bad. What would you miss if he was no longer in your life?

  6. Will you be stronger without him? – Marriage is the hardest journey you can take because it tests you all the time.

    You don’t have a choice with your kids – they are your dependents and only death will stop that. So having children may make us strong, but it can never test us as much as a marriage can.

    Marriage is constantly a choice – we have to nurture it and look after it. It allows us to use our skills and it makes us more resilient people for it. You can be strong just as you are, but you can be stronger when there’s two of you, on the same page, wanting the other to be happy and doing everything to make that so.

    Marriage can make you strong or it can make you weak… the great thing is, you are completely in control of what you want it to be to you, at any given time.

    Someone once told me that “every lady has the exact love life she wants”.  

    nelson-mandela-got-a-divorce-meme

A Damaging Phrase To End All Relationships

Well, it’s no surprise that generally, women need a lot more reassurance than men in relationships (it’s the whole ‘Venus vs Mars’ theory that women need to feel listened to and men, respected) but throughout my several years of ‘serious relationships’ (that is, longer than 1 year but can also be defined as 6 months if we ask my husband for example…). I have came to feel really, rather touchy towards one particular relationship-destroyer phrase.

It’s three words (not ‘I love you’ or ‘you are right’ (which it probably should be to save a drama) – can you guess what it is?

Here it is:

Just leave then

(which simply means, “I don’t love you enough to stop being an ass for 1 minute to tell you, whatever the case, I’m sorry for hurting you even though I didn’t mean it”). 

 

This has been a big catalyst of fights in my marriage, due to cause divorce one day I’m sure!

It usually creeps up when a man feels attacked and his authority and righteousness is being questioned (usually by the modernised lady – that is, a lady who realises that she is indeed equal to any man and that relationships are built on two people believing so with all their heart).

And so, I am targeting the cave man rebels of the Millennial race who are stuck between a rock and an easy place really, who for some reason are still trying to fight to keep their ancestor’s primal instincts rather than embrace their modernised, more realistic culture – it’s the whole “women belong in the kitchen” outlook versus, “women make the best entrepreneurs” debate (or so I think) but it’s about giving up your ego and meeting us halfway.

Here’s something to consider: Ego is a state of mind and the mind, can be controlled through Mindfulness! 

Feeling the need to always be right and to get our point across despite hurting another is just another example of how destructive it can be.

So how do I deal with this kind of “If you don’t like it, leave” attitude”?

I practice patience, compassion and I seek understanding – so, I understand that my husband is acting on Ego. I learn about it, I look up ways to practice Mindfulness myself and I try to be a positive influence by letting go of my own need to be right.

However, let’s cut the crap isn’t about putting up with crappy behaviours – it’s about facing the harsh realities…

If my husband doesn’t begin to express through his own actions that my feelings and our marriage are his number one priority when it matters most (when he wants something for himself and isn’t willing to compromise), then I walk away with dignity and a clear conscience.

Everyone, man and woman, is entitled to a compromising relationship, especially in marriage. If there is no compromise, there is no hope to satisfy the needs of two people, just one – so, it’s time to satisfy yourself and be the person to show yourself compassion. 

7 Ways To Feel Calm and Be Happy

When I’m on the war path (albeit, at least once every day), I try to do these 7 things to get me out of the rut.

I dare you to try them all – they’re hard, but effective.

  1. Breathe long, in through your nose and out THROUGH YOUR NOSE – Breathing in and out through your nose takes more energy and automatically makes you focus more on breathing rather than feeling mad. Notice when you are in a calm state of mind, you breathe solely through your nose or very rarely through your mouth versus when you are in a state of exhaustion or distress you breathe through your mouth? If you want to achieve calm, do what you would, when you are calm. Not so simple, but it works!
  2. Smile when there’s nobody there – I say that because sometimes you don’t want to smile in front of the person you are mad at out of pride. Go away and smile on your own. Smile at yourself and if you can’t smile, think of smiling. The same hormones are released into the body when you focus on thinking about it as there would, when actually doing it. (PS. Look up the Inner Smile Meditation).
  3. Youtube your favourite upbeat song at precisely 432 hertz – I do this one a lot, especially when I’m on a low. I often find that listening to a song I love to dance to, makes me dance. There’s no better feeling in the world than to dance ridiculously when no-one is watching. If you pick a good tune you won’t even have to try! Also a frequency of 432 Hertz has been scientifically proven to improve moods and behaviour.
  4. Visit 432 Player to upload the app for your phone.
  5. Listen to a wise old man – put things into perspective by listening to someone who knows. My husband likes to listen to Alan Watts when he wants to reflect on life. It takes no energy at all to listen when you’re that mad you don’t want to do a thing. Sometimes a little bit of philosophy can change your whole opinion of something for the better.
  6. Walk – walking where there are trees is another one of my favourites. I take the dog with me and just allow myself to really appreciate nature. Being too consumed in our own domestic troubles leaves no room to see the bigger picture. Also, tree’s give off oxygen – and we humans, thrive on that stuff!
  7. Talk – when the time is right. And it’s right in and hour or two when you have collected all the facts and thought about the situation objectively. Not talking leads to resentment and an inevitable outburst down the line. Talk when you are calm to resolve the issue or, agree to disagree.