Well, it’s no surprise that generally, women need a lot more reassurance than men in relationships (it’s the whole ‘Venus vs Mars’ theory that women need to feel listened to and men, respected) but throughout my several years of ‘serious relationships’ (that is, longer than 1 year but can also be defined as 6 months if we ask my husband for example…). I have came to feel really, rather touchy towards one particular relationship-destroyer phrase.
It’s three words (not ‘I love you’ or ‘you are right’ (which it probably should be to save a drama) – can you guess what it is?
Here it is:
“Just leave then“
(which simply means, “I don’t love you enough to stop being an ass for 1 minute to tell you, whatever the case, I’m sorry for hurting you even though I didn’t mean it”).
This has been a big catalyst of fights in my marriage, due to cause divorce one day I’m sure!
It usually creeps up when a man feels attacked and his authority and righteousness is being questioned (usually by the modernised lady – that is, a lady who realises that she is indeed equal to any man and that relationships are built on two people believing so with all their heart).
And so, I am targeting the cave man rebels of the Millennial race who are stuck between a rock and an easy place really, who for some reason are still trying to fight to keep their ancestor’s primal instincts rather than embrace their modernised, more realistic culture – it’s the whole “women belong in the kitchen” outlook versus, “women make the best entrepreneurs” debate (or so I think) but it’s about giving up your ego and meeting us halfway.
Here’s something to consider: Ego is a state of mind and the mind, can be controlled through Mindfulness!
Feeling the need to always be right and to get our point across despite hurting another is just another example of how destructive it can be.
So how do I deal with this kind of “If you don’t like it, leave” attitude”?
I practice patience, compassion and I seek understanding – so, I understand that my husband is acting on Ego. I learn about it, I look up ways to practice Mindfulness myself and I try to be a positive influence by letting go of my own need to be right.
However, let’s cut the crap isn’t about putting up with crappy behaviours – it’s about facing the harsh realities…
If my husband doesn’t begin to express through his own actions that my feelings and our marriage are his number one priority when it matters most (when he wants something for himself and isn’t willing to compromise), then I walk away with dignity and a clear conscience.
Everyone, man and woman, is entitled to a compromising relationship, especially in marriage. If there is no compromise, there is no hope to satisfy the needs of two people, just one – so, it’s time to satisfy yourself and be the person to show yourself compassion.