I’ve been part of this whole motherhood circus now for 2 years… two emotional, long, agonising, exhausting yet all-of-a-sudden, FAST years!
Motherhood is not blissful but it is occasionally pleasant (when the kid is sleeping and you can look down in awe and think, this is why I work so bloody hard every second – ha).
So what didn’t I expect? Apart from everything, here are a few:
- What respectable, young woman would really ever expect that she would allow the hair on her legs to grow for at least a month without touching them?!
I’ve never understood the whole man and ape theory, but after seeing for myself what a certain amount of neglect can transform me into…
- I didn’t expect that the “I’m away to POWDER MY NOSE” cover for women needing a shit would officially be blown, when my needy little toddler finally decided that toilet time was no longer just a me thing…
Be prepared for the dreaded outty he gives you in public, too (“mummy did a poo poo and it was stinky!” – I’m just waiting for it…)
- Did I expect that I would have to shower with my eyes open and be prepared for an emergency exit? Eh – nope!
Boobs and arse running around the house in search of the little brat (whom I love with all my heart) when I’ve suddenly taken my eyes off him to shampoo my hair. Please say someone out there has done this too?!
- How could I have possibly predicted that after having a baby, I would never look at my mother the same way again… like, a massive respect for what she went through to have me (obviously) but wait a minute,
I actually did pop through my mums vagina, I didn’t just appear here and this is all suddenly, way too disturbing to comprehend! And don’t even mention breastfeeding – ignorance, in this instance, is definitely bliss! (Ewww!)
- I didn’t expect to have an objective perspective when I first saw my baby after delivering him –
he wasn’t the “most beautiful thing I ever saw! – he was wrinkly, gooey and ugly and to be completely honest, at that point, I bloody well hated him… albeit, those feelings quickly passed – (Oh God, I can’t believe I’ve actually said it out loud!).
- I didn’t expect to have to say goodbye to myself – I am constantly saying “motherhood doesn’t define all that I am“, but it actually soooooo does!!!
Nothing you do is for yourself for the next 16 years of your life – whether you like it or not.
- I didn’t expect to “lose it” as much as my parents did (I thought I would be a cool parent, no rules, laid-back, blah blah blah) –
I “lose it” every. single. day! Over everything and anything and afterwards, I feel stupid and over-dramatic and terrible and ugly and fat, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it all over again tomorrow!
- I didn’t expect to revert back to having sex in the dark because I don’t recognise what body parts are what and I certainly didn’t expect to make sex into a business – scheduled into my mental diary to then postpone for a week or two or, until further notice.
My honeymoon (after child) was spent sleeping in bed for 10pm each night on a Caribbean cruise, we were that shattered! Tip: Get married first and wait a year!
- I didn’t expect to have that much stretch marks! And they say, “be proud of your stretch marks (even though they cover your entire stomach, boobs and arse)”
NO! I am not proud of my stretch marks! I hate them and I’m sorry I do!
- I didn’t expect giving birth to be that traumatising and not just physically but emotionally too! The head alone feels like the entire body, the placenta is like its evil twin and the internal stitches? Probably worse than the birth itself! The epidural – having to push your bare-naked arse out towards a young male Doctor, while contracting and trying to breathe is bloody hard and completely destroys all dignity even before the chance you may shit yourself.
They tell you that shitting during delivery is inevitable – it’s better to believe them. They also put the fear of life into you when it comes to your first poop after… don’t worry, you don’t feel like your arse is going to collapse, because I’m pretty sure it already has!